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So I did it... after going back and forth with the ide I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I know I have said this in the past and never went longer then a day. Consider it my own social media experiment. Lately I have been having a tough time with our society and how the children of this society are shaping it. Look around people… there is less and less human interaction. Through the years I learn about my closest friends’ huge life moments through Facebook. They lost a parent, get engaged, get divorced, get a new pet, loose a pet, found out they are pregnant, it’s a Boy, It’s a Girl, child broke her arm & needs surgery…. This list goes on and on. I would like to use the excuse “well I do live 700 miles away from most of besties”… but let’s get real. The telephone was invented…. I don’t know…..200 years ago. Unlike the phone that Alexander Graham Bell (I had to google because I only remembered his last name) todays phones can pretty much do everything by wipe our ass or shine our shoes. One of the original smart phones was the iPhone that Steve Jobs invented about 11 years ago (seems longer then that… I had to google that too). We are in a world that you can make a phone call anywhere at any time. On a plane, on a boat, in a car… no matter how near or far (How’s that for my version of a Dr. Seuss poem). Just the act of deactivating the account was overwhelming. When you go to the settings to deactivate your “life-line”, you get the third degree. Why do you want to delete it, you sure you want to delete it, you don’t have to officially delete it, if you delete it you will no longer have connections with your 423 friends including (they conveniently have a handful of thumbnail sized profile pictures of 6 of your “closest” friends), you chose “Other” but didn’t leave an explanation of “Other”. Somehow through the various questions that you are required to answer you start to question your decision. They will make it seem like if you delete Facebook you will be sent to a deserted island with nothing or nobody but the clothes on your back. They might-as-well have a large blinking sign come across your screen reading “YOUR SOCIAL LIFE IS OVER”! Talk about peer pressure. I felt like my fingers where jumping through a land mind. As sweat built up on my forehead I clicked the final “Yes… I’m sure” box. Truthfully my heart started to race. OMG… WHAT DID I JUST DO? DID I JUST BOARD UP MY WINDOWS AND DOORS…? I WILL HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO NOW! THE WORLD IS GOING TO GO ON WITHOUT ME AND I AM NOT GOING TO KNOW WHATS HAPPENING” With that final click the second phase of deleting Facebook starts. Should I text all my closest friends and family to let them know that I deleted Facebook? If I don’t… will they even noticed I’m gone? My guess is that they will not because as much as Facebook keeps us informed of trivial things like what someone’s dinner looks like and where they are while eating it…. We are more out of touch with all those that are important to us. Our society is so completely out of touch with reality… so no… they will not notice and even if they do… they probably will not reach out to me to find out why. BTW… this was not a stunt to get attention…. It’s deeper than that. I’m not that needy. The truth behind my choice has many many layers. The past year or two I have gotten better at filtering through the BS. Filtering through the political rants, perfect people, perfect lives, save the abused animals, vaguebookers, outlandish news clippings of what our president did now… this list goes on. Somehow through all of the filtering…. My “filter” got clogged. I was no longer able to filter through my news feed anymore. My emotions started to become a roller coaster and I could no longer navigate through all that I was feeling… anger, jealousy, isolation, helplessness, confusion, sadness, disgust. For every cute picture or video of someone’s baby, puppy or silly cat video’s there are 3 times more to counter act them. Now that I am nearly 24 hours in (or out)… I am starting some withdrawal symptoms. First there is the normal reflex of tapping the Facebook icon. It’s so instinctual that you don’t even realize you are doing it. Looking down at my phone swiping left, right, up… but I don’t see the icon. It’s that Uhhh Duhhh I deleted it moment. I tried to find a replacement to fill the void. Instagram maybe? That works. Gmail ok. They were all enough to pacify me today. So long for today... I need to continue my withdrawals in the comfort of my own bed while munching on cheese doodles and cleaning out my DVR. 
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IT can paralyze you. You may come off as a bitch, shy or even a snob because you are not as engaged in conversations or other social settings as others. IT will prevent you from picking up the phone, texting or even contributing to social media. Noises, crowds, traffic, social media, can be the gas pedal that drives IT. You don’t want to get out of bed, yet you can’t sleep. Insomnia will set in and your mind races and reverses back to that day, that week, that conversation, that rash decision, that bill, that number on the scale, that little minor thing that others would find trivial is a huge trigger for IT. There is no off button nor is there an on button…. IT only idles… ready to go yet so unpredictable. IT is not a weakness or a choice. IT does not discriminate and can be suffered by anyone including the rich, the poor, the pretty, the ugly, men, women, black, white, the secure, the insecure, outgoing or the wallflower. Phrases like “just don’t worry about it”, “things could be worse”, “get over it”… and my all-time favorite CALM DOWN are not the magic words and may actually make you feel worse as it can be perceived as being “selfish or ungrateful”. IT has no face, but has a name. IT can be different for each one that suffers. You can’t run IT off, sleep IT off, ignore it or bury IT inside. You may never be cured from IT. You will feel as though you are sinking into IT or trapped by IT. IT can last a minute, hour, day, week, month….but IT will pass. However, IT’S boomerang nature will just have you catching it on the way back. No amount of cheering from your pep squad will make IT magically go away. Sweets, shopping, drinking, or any other vise will not help IT. Friends and family can help but some can perpetuate IT. Choose wisely who you surround yourself with… as some can be the match for the gasoline that lights IT. Some will understand IT, some will support you through IT. But no one else can truly sympathize unless they have IT too. Don’t run from someone who has IT, don’t be afraid of someone who has IT. You may feel powerless to help them. Thankfully, unconditional love and compassion may be all they will need from you. Remind yourself that it is not you. IT is ANXIETY.So here I am its 2:30 am and I am awake. Why am I awake… what makes me toss and turn until my brain tells my body “give it up…..we are not going back to sleep… no position you try to curl yourself into is going to change that. I am in control now and I say you are my bitch and we are staying up until 30 minutes before the alarm goes off….. so surrender to me”!
Why is it that most women suffer from insomnia? Yes I am only assuming all women of this because lets be real…. Men fall asleep the minute there head hits the pillow. Damm that pisses me off. Seriously…. How do they do that? Here is my theory… This applies to all woman…. Insomnia is not a condition only suffered by moms….all women are victims to it. I was told once by my female cardiologist that women’s brains work like a tape recorder. Yes if you are a child of the 70’s or 80’s… you know what a tape recorder is. A tape recorder has 6 buttons – Play, rewind, fast forward, stop, pause and record. During the day our brain is on record. All day its recording everything we do from the time we wake up until the time we crawl into our warm snuggly bed. For men… once they hit the pillow… the STOP button is engaged and they go off to never never land where they are probably playing golf, driving a red sports car with you by their side… or maybe some hot 20something blond… who knows. However for us women…. The “STOP” button does not work at all. It goes from record, to play, to pause then rewind. We lay in bed and rewind our day… usually in slow-mo. For the next hour we will constantly press “play” “rewind” “play rewind”…. We play out our day and all that we did. Made kids lunch, walked dog, washed dishes, payed electric bill, walked kids to bus, treated the spaghetti stain on my daughter's favorite shirt, made dentist appointment for kids, went to gym (ok… maybe not everyone on that one… present company included), ran 7 errands, rushed back home before bus comes, asked kids about their day, helped with homework, listen to another story about the mean kid or the know-it-all kid and what he/or she did and managed to get away with it. You listen to the kids argue about everything from who’s turn is it to feed the dog to who is setting the table or who called who a name first. Now it’s time to make dinner. You strive to make one of those healthy and seemingly yummy recipes that you read on PINTEREST or Facebook. But let’s get real…. You know the kids are going to hate half of the stuff in it… so you just grill up some chicken, lather it with some sweet, sugary sauce, use tons of butter & salt on the broccoli so it taste more like a treat and less like a punishment and whip up some processed version of mac and cheese. Then comes the time for them to go to bed…. You do the checklist with them… “Did you brush your teeth, Did you use soap this time in the shower, did you put your dirty clothes in the hamper”… after some kisses, hugs and wish to sleep tight… you tip toe down the stairs. Your first thought…..I am going to get myself a snack and watch Grey’s. Maybe you do… maybe you don’t. I try to stay up long enough to watch Jimmy Fallon. I can barely keep my eyes open… but I want to because one of my favorite celebs is going to be on. I fall asleep with the faint sound of Jimmy’s laughter. My tape recorder is not on “STOP”…. Nope… it’s on “Pause”. Then it happens…..I’m up….WTF! We went from PAUSE to REWIND. A small thought enters our mind…. It’s usually an insignificant thought like “I need to get stamps tomorrow" but it’s the gateway to other thoughts…. Those thoughts then become worries…. And the worries get bigger and bigger until you have assumed the worst case scenarios. You went from nursing a headache to having a fatal tumor in 5 seconds flat. You go from did I lock the front door to the house is probably going to burn down because there is a short in the coffee maker. You go from I hope he studied well for his science test tomorrow to my kid is going to be a drop out living in my basement forever. You go from feeling excited about the bike you got for your child’s 10th birthday to OMG… she is going to fly down a hill on it, wipe out then get hit by a car. You feel guilty about how much you yelled at your kids and swear to yourself you are going to do better tomorrow. Your brain is going from rewind to fast-forward and as exhausting as this is….. you still can’t sleep. You worry about all the things you forgot to do, need to do and should do. You worry that you are failing as a mother, wife, child, friend, and sibling. Again this is my scenario…. Maybe yours is different but the end result is always the same… you are awake at an hour that only bakers and truck drivers are up. Your brain goes from record, pause, rewind and fast-forward it never STOPS. However… here is the funny thing…. When you wake up the next morning…. You kind of laugh at yourself for having such extreme thoughts and worries. The good news is that the original thought… you know… the one that started this vicious downhill spin……that’s the one that will stick…. And lucky for you… you do remember to get the stamps. I would like to say it gets easier…. But it doesn’t. My only suggestion is to take time out for yourself each day. Face those worries when your mind is still rational. Let go of those worries and let God take them from you. As they say… worry is wasted. Off to bed I go… the alarm will be going off soon. I created this webpage over a month ago…. And I have not posted on it since. Mainly because I am still unsure as to the how’s/why’s and what’s this page will be. What audience I want to reach. Believe me… I have started a few posts… yet have not completed. Must be a virgo thing…. I start things and then have trouble completing or following through. I am the quintessential procrastinator. I admit it! Isn’t that the first step in recovery…. Admitting you have a problem! Say it… “Welcome! We love you Stacey”!
The idea of starting this blog started with – believe it or not – my cardiologist. Amazed by my story of survival and how having a cardiac condition changed my view of this world…. He insisted I write a book. That surely can happen in time… but again… I am a procrastinator…. So don’t hold your breath on a novel. BTW… yesterday it was my anniversary of my open heart surgary….42 years! I acknowledge it because with each passing year it’s a celebration of a miracle. Another reason I have been holding out is because I feel like I am stuck somewhere in between my old life and my new life here in Tennessee. Trying to bridge the gap has become somewhat of a challenge. I promised myself that when I moved to TN I would begin a new journey. It has not been easy because I feel as though I am constantly being pulled back into the life I had. Constantly feeling as though I am always being used as a sound-board for everyone… yet never enough time to hear of the joys in ones lives. All of this negative energy is preventing me from rediscovering myself. Even saying that I feel guilty because I never want to turn anyone away when they are in crisis. However, I am resorting to old habits. I invest too much time worrying about everything and everyone I left behind. My “I wanna save everyone” consumes me. So much that I forget to save myself. So if you notice that I have become more distant…. Don’t take offence….. I am trying to keep the promise I made to myself. This is a new journey for me and if I keep looking back… I will never get anywhere. The biggest and most substantial change I have made is my spiritual journey. I was raised Roman Catholic. I use the term “raised” loosly because honestly…. I only went to church for holidays, and sacraments (weddings, christenings and funerals). Going to CCD felt more like a punishment then a place to learn and grow. My parents seemed to have used God as a parenting tool and it was embedded in me to believe that “God punishes” therefore I was more afraid of God then appreciative of him. Even when I did go to church I was left with nothing to take home with me. I found church to be somewhat regiment and monotonous. Listen I am not the poster child for a Good Catholic…. Anyone who knows me can agree. I cuss & swear, I am judgmental, unforgiving, selfish and often times then I dare to admit I have very little patience for anything. At age 40-something I am finally realizing that God does not punish… in fact its really the opposite. Learning that God is Good Always, his plans for me are far better than any plans I have for myself. Again I don’t know much about the bible or religion…. I only know of the obvious…. Birth of Christ, Death of Christ and Resurrection of Christ. I don’t own a bible and I don’t really even know how to read one and understand it. I wonder if Barnes and Nobles sells a book “Bible Reading for Dummies”? If so…. I am downloading that read. I am not putting down any religion as I believe we all have a right to believe and practice anyway we see fit. This spiritual journey has me so conflicted yet so much more in tune to who I really am and what I really stand for deep inside. Although I always appreciate life in general. My appreciation for things I have been taking for granted has broaden. Thanks to one of my neighbors here I have found a church I really enjoy going to. I am anxious every week to see what life lesson I am going to bring home today and how I can apply that to my life and the lives around me going forward. As I am going through this journey I am noticing some of the deviant aspects of my life and what I expose myself to. One of them is Facebook. On a separate blog I will talk more about Facebook and how it has affected my life… Good, Bad and Indifferent. For those of you I consider friends….. both new and old…. I ask that you be patient with me. I am a working progress. Till then…. Life is short…. Eat dessert FIRST! The last few months I have been having some health issues. Nothing too critical but enough to scare me a little. Through all of this so far I have witness some sincere compassion. Compassion from family, friends, neighbors and even some of my FB followers. However it was the compassion from those in the health care service that really touched me deeply. I'm not here to bad mouth Jersey.... but I will give it to you straight. Through my life I have had many medical issues including heart condition, endometriosis, migraines…. The list goes on & on. When being treated for these various things.... I rarely received compassion from the medical staff worthy of remembering. Side note: If something is worth remembering… it will be remembered… at least in my world.
It’s been my experience that when going to the doctor’s you are treated more like a customer then a patient. It starts the moment you call to make your appointment. I get that doctors are busy and often times it’s hard to get an appointment. However, the person making those appointments can often times come off as though we are inconveniencing them? When you hear frustration in there voice and they hold no apologies…. They have set the tone. Then comes your arrival… this is crucial and this is when it all goes downhill. The person behind the desk/check in may have no idea why you are there. You can be there for a 2nd opinion on a terminal diagnosis or this can be just routine visit. Either way…. you are still a patient in need of care and compassion. The routine is always the same…. Sign in, Fill out these forms, license and insurance card please (if you even get a please). Sometimes you can be standing there for what seems like an hour while the person at the desk is gossiping with fellow coworkers about her date last night or who the bachelor should choose and why. But that’s okay… because whether I wait here at the window or in the waiting room chair… I’m still waiting. Again… that is a whole different topic and some would call it all part of the Obama Care or the downfall of our HealthCare system… I’m not getting into politics… Never will. Listen… it’s not lost on me that sometimes these jobs can be mundane.... not every day is going to be a good day for you or them. So they get a pass. However… they don’t get a pass when they go from treating you like a patient to a customer. Asking for your copay immediately upon arrival may be required for reasons only they know…. But it’s in your delivery…..when you don’t make eye contact with me and your nose is on the keyboard….and you ask for my copay in a “Mob Boss” tone…. I’m a customer….If you make eye contact and use words like please and thank you…. I am a patient. You are not ringing up a salad… you are collecting the amount listed on my insurance card…. So inadvertently I already received the bill. My gripe is real…to prove it… here is my example…. A few years ago I had to have a hysterectomy…. I was going to be vague and just say procedure… but hey… I promised to be honest. It took me 2 years to finally find a doctor that would actually do this surgery. Mostly because most doctors refuse to operate on me due to my cardiac condition. Again… they worry more about being sued… then adding another skill to their collection (that makes me a Customer). But I for one… take it as a blessing… because if you are too scared to operate on me because my heart condition possess some challenges… I don’t want you operating on me anyway. Finally I find a doctor willing to take the risk to void me of anymore pain. Only problem… our insurance company does not cover this particular doctor so it’s mostly out of pocket for us. Bill me I always say…. When I arrived at my pre-op visit the “lady” at the desk gives me the verbal bill due immediately. In a voice I can only describe as Roz from “Monster’s Inc.”… You know her “I’m watching you Wisowski… always watching you” asks me for payment of $380. Holy Sticker Shock!!! Wait… let me just reach into my pocket…. Ohhh wait… I only have .11c and a receipt from Starbucks. I shamefully reply “I don’t have that kind of money”….. Her cold hearted response “well I guess we will have to reschedule” I went from being a patient to being a customer in 1.5 seconds. COMPASSION? I shamelessly started to cry hoping I would pull on her heart strings…. NOPE!! I rescheduled and begged borrowed and stole to come up with the $380… Just kidding… we just didn’t pay the mortgage that month! That’s okay… we recovered… it only took 4 years… but hey….I’m healthy now… so it was all worth it. Fast forward to Friday, February 19th. My husband and I are in the waiting room of Williamson Medical center in Franklin, TN. I am in need of a biopsy on a lump in my neck. As we are waiting my mind starts to wonder over to the dark side. All I am thinking about is the What If’s, how much I have been through and when can I just get a break and most of all “they are going to stick a needle into my neck and pull shit out.. That sounds very painful” I went from being the brave woman who walked into those doors to a scared and vulnerable little girl. I bowed my head down and started to cry…. I tried to be inconspicuous…. Apparently I didn’t do a good job because moments later the receptionist at the check in desk slowly walks over with a box of tissues. She sits down next to me with the voice of an angel she starts to shower me with words of comfort like “I know you are scared but this procedure is pretty painless and you will be surprised how easy it is” or “Let me know if there is anything I can do to make you more comfortable”! She slowly walks back to her desk and continues on with her work. My husband and I looked at each other in total disbelief. Was that Compassion we just witnessed? She didn’t have to do that… she seemingly had a busy morning…. Lobby was filled, phone was ringing off the hook, people coming over to check in or get directions. Her little gesture may have seemed like nothing to some…. But to us…. That was one of the kindest things we have experienced. It didn’t end there….. Walking into that room was kinda scary… however the technician who set you up was equally as compassionate. He too can see I was nervous… and went to great lengths to ease my fears. He told me how when he first started doing CT’s, and MRI’s he would go into these machines and try to imagine what other people see this machine to be… why is it so scary? Anything he can do to get just a little bit of perspective of other’s fears so that he can be better at easing them and making the patient as comfortable as he could. COMPASSION!... and with every encounter compassion was on the forefront. I left there with a whole new faith in humanity and in our healthcare… well at least in TN! Again…. I’m not saying it does not exist at all in NJ… I am sure some of you have had some great experiences… I know I have had a few….however…… most can use a lesson or two from middle TN on hospitality, patience, understanding and compassion. If you show someone compassion…. Then immediately feel as though you have been there too and they no longer feel alone in this world. I leave you with this…. Whatever industry you are in… if you are dealing with people… show a little compassion…. I promise you… it will go a long way and it will come back to you! Hello! Well I listened to all your pleas for me to start my own blog. So here it is.... My blog will consist of many facets of life from relationships, parenting, marriage, fears, food and of course anything I find funny. Honestly.... I may complain a time or two... bare with me... it will not be all this blog is about. Also I can guarantee I will make spelling and grammar mistakes....don't hate on me...I have inperfections just like everyone else. My ultimate goal is to inspire you, make you laugh and show you that you are not alone in this world.... we all have similarities.... we just don't realize it until its put out there in the open. Feel free to comment. If I have done any of the above and you want to keep your comment private, click on the email link.
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