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So here I am its 2:30 am and I am awake. Why am I awake… what makes me toss and turn until my brain tells my body “give it up…..we are not going back to sleep… no position you try to curl yourself into is going to change that. I am in control now and I say you are my bitch and we are staying up until 30 minutes before the alarm goes off….. so surrender to me”!
Why is it that most women suffer from insomnia? Yes I am only assuming all women of this because lets be real…. Men fall asleep the minute there head hits the pillow. Damm that pisses me off. Seriously…. How do they do that? Here is my theory… This applies to all woman…. Insomnia is not a condition only suffered by moms….all women are victims to it. I was told once by my female cardiologist that women’s brains work like a tape recorder. Yes if you are a child of the 70’s or 80’s… you know what a tape recorder is. A tape recorder has 6 buttons – Play, rewind, fast forward, stop, pause and record. During the day our brain is on record. All day its recording everything we do from the time we wake up until the time we crawl into our warm snuggly bed. For men… once they hit the pillow… the STOP button is engaged and they go off to never never land where they are probably playing golf, driving a red sports car with you by their side… or maybe some hot 20something blond… who knows. However for us women…. The “STOP” button does not work at all. It goes from record, to play, to pause then rewind. We lay in bed and rewind our day… usually in slow-mo. For the next hour we will constantly press “play” “rewind” “play rewind”…. We play out our day and all that we did. Made kids lunch, walked dog, washed dishes, payed electric bill, walked kids to bus, treated the spaghetti stain on my daughter's favorite shirt, made dentist appointment for kids, went to gym (ok… maybe not everyone on that one… present company included), ran 7 errands, rushed back home before bus comes, asked kids about their day, helped with homework, listen to another story about the mean kid or the know-it-all kid and what he/or she did and managed to get away with it. You listen to the kids argue about everything from who’s turn is it to feed the dog to who is setting the table or who called who a name first. Now it’s time to make dinner. You strive to make one of those healthy and seemingly yummy recipes that you read on PINTEREST or Facebook. But let’s get real…. You know the kids are going to hate half of the stuff in it… so you just grill up some chicken, lather it with some sweet, sugary sauce, use tons of butter & salt on the broccoli so it taste more like a treat and less like a punishment and whip up some processed version of mac and cheese. Then comes the time for them to go to bed…. You do the checklist with them… “Did you brush your teeth, Did you use soap this time in the shower, did you put your dirty clothes in the hamper”… after some kisses, hugs and wish to sleep tight… you tip toe down the stairs. Your first thought…..I am going to get myself a snack and watch Grey’s. Maybe you do… maybe you don’t. I try to stay up long enough to watch Jimmy Fallon. I can barely keep my eyes open… but I want to because one of my favorite celebs is going to be on. I fall asleep with the faint sound of Jimmy’s laughter. My tape recorder is not on “STOP”…. Nope… it’s on “Pause”. Then it happens…..I’m up….WTF! We went from PAUSE to REWIND. A small thought enters our mind…. It’s usually an insignificant thought like “I need to get stamps tomorrow" but it’s the gateway to other thoughts…. Those thoughts then become worries…. And the worries get bigger and bigger until you have assumed the worst case scenarios. You went from nursing a headache to having a fatal tumor in 5 seconds flat. You go from did I lock the front door to the house is probably going to burn down because there is a short in the coffee maker. You go from I hope he studied well for his science test tomorrow to my kid is going to be a drop out living in my basement forever. You go from feeling excited about the bike you got for your child’s 10th birthday to OMG… she is going to fly down a hill on it, wipe out then get hit by a car. You feel guilty about how much you yelled at your kids and swear to yourself you are going to do better tomorrow. Your brain is going from rewind to fast-forward and as exhausting as this is….. you still can’t sleep. You worry about all the things you forgot to do, need to do and should do. You worry that you are failing as a mother, wife, child, friend, and sibling. Again this is my scenario…. Maybe yours is different but the end result is always the same… you are awake at an hour that only bakers and truck drivers are up. Your brain goes from record, pause, rewind and fast-forward it never STOPS. However… here is the funny thing…. When you wake up the next morning…. You kind of laugh at yourself for having such extreme thoughts and worries. The good news is that the original thought… you know… the one that started this vicious downhill spin……that’s the one that will stick…. And lucky for you… you do remember to get the stamps. I would like to say it gets easier…. But it doesn’t. My only suggestion is to take time out for yourself each day. Face those worries when your mind is still rational. Let go of those worries and let God take them from you. As they say… worry is wasted. Off to bed I go… the alarm will be going off soon.
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I created this webpage over a month ago…. And I have not posted on it since. Mainly because I am still unsure as to the how’s/why’s and what’s this page will be. What audience I want to reach. Believe me… I have started a few posts… yet have not completed. Must be a virgo thing…. I start things and then have trouble completing or following through. I am the quintessential procrastinator. I admit it! Isn’t that the first step in recovery…. Admitting you have a problem! Say it… “Welcome! We love you Stacey”!
The idea of starting this blog started with – believe it or not – my cardiologist. Amazed by my story of survival and how having a cardiac condition changed my view of this world…. He insisted I write a book. That surely can happen in time… but again… I am a procrastinator…. So don’t hold your breath on a novel. BTW… yesterday it was my anniversary of my open heart surgary….42 years! I acknowledge it because with each passing year it’s a celebration of a miracle. Another reason I have been holding out is because I feel like I am stuck somewhere in between my old life and my new life here in Tennessee. Trying to bridge the gap has become somewhat of a challenge. I promised myself that when I moved to TN I would begin a new journey. It has not been easy because I feel as though I am constantly being pulled back into the life I had. Constantly feeling as though I am always being used as a sound-board for everyone… yet never enough time to hear of the joys in ones lives. All of this negative energy is preventing me from rediscovering myself. Even saying that I feel guilty because I never want to turn anyone away when they are in crisis. However, I am resorting to old habits. I invest too much time worrying about everything and everyone I left behind. My “I wanna save everyone” consumes me. So much that I forget to save myself. So if you notice that I have become more distant…. Don’t take offence….. I am trying to keep the promise I made to myself. This is a new journey for me and if I keep looking back… I will never get anywhere. The biggest and most substantial change I have made is my spiritual journey. I was raised Roman Catholic. I use the term “raised” loosly because honestly…. I only went to church for holidays, and sacraments (weddings, christenings and funerals). Going to CCD felt more like a punishment then a place to learn and grow. My parents seemed to have used God as a parenting tool and it was embedded in me to believe that “God punishes” therefore I was more afraid of God then appreciative of him. Even when I did go to church I was left with nothing to take home with me. I found church to be somewhat regiment and monotonous. Listen I am not the poster child for a Good Catholic…. Anyone who knows me can agree. I cuss & swear, I am judgmental, unforgiving, selfish and often times then I dare to admit I have very little patience for anything. At age 40-something I am finally realizing that God does not punish… in fact its really the opposite. Learning that God is Good Always, his plans for me are far better than any plans I have for myself. Again I don’t know much about the bible or religion…. I only know of the obvious…. Birth of Christ, Death of Christ and Resurrection of Christ. I don’t own a bible and I don’t really even know how to read one and understand it. I wonder if Barnes and Nobles sells a book “Bible Reading for Dummies”? If so…. I am downloading that read. I am not putting down any religion as I believe we all have a right to believe and practice anyway we see fit. This spiritual journey has me so conflicted yet so much more in tune to who I really am and what I really stand for deep inside. Although I always appreciate life in general. My appreciation for things I have been taking for granted has broaden. Thanks to one of my neighbors here I have found a church I really enjoy going to. I am anxious every week to see what life lesson I am going to bring home today and how I can apply that to my life and the lives around me going forward. As I am going through this journey I am noticing some of the deviant aspects of my life and what I expose myself to. One of them is Facebook. On a separate blog I will talk more about Facebook and how it has affected my life… Good, Bad and Indifferent. For those of you I consider friends….. both new and old…. I ask that you be patient with me. I am a working progress. Till then…. Life is short…. Eat dessert FIRST! |
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